what have i learnt when i grew every year?

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”

Most people have some where in this big world that feels familiar to them, that feels like home. I am not one of those people. I was not even one month old when I moved for the first time, and though only an infant at the time, this feeling of being uprooted, groundless and alone, would come to be an overarching theme to in my life.

But this is not just my story—I have to constantly remind myself that every single person feels this way at some point. It is unavoidable. Nothing is permanent and our plans, though comforting, are illusory and bound to change, leaving us feeling confused about our path and unsure about where we’re at.

I look around me, envious of those with huge families, weekend nights and life partners, as if they have this huge source of connection and community…as if these exterior circumstances have prevented them from ever feeling lonely or separate. When, in reality, separateness and loneliness are the connections that we share as human beings.

Beyond every differing belief and circumstance is one thing that we all share. Nobody wants to be .Nobody.

You can see it at every red traffic light. Millions of people grabbing their phones in each moment of aloneness. Constantly avoiding the silence and emptiness of disconnection. 

Maybe for some of you it isn’t the phone; we each have our own little remedy for this intrinsic fear. For some it is online dating, for others its working endless hours or sitting in front of the television. For me it has always been relationships.

Since I was younger, I turned towards the opposite gender for security.

I became attached and grounded in others; suffering through painful relationships, avoiding who I was and what I wanted and what it meant to be alive and alone in this world. To this day, I still have to remind myself that I will not let my fears lead my actions.

I can sit with my discomfort of aloneness now and in that I have learned some stuff…

  1. First, life is groundless. Your breath is your only constant. Everything and everyone else will change and shift and come and go.
  2. Everyone feels alone. Let it be a source of connection not isolation
  3. Even though within constant change there is fear, there is also endless possibility. Every single moment is an opportunity to change your beliefs, your thoughts, your actions, and ultimately your life.
  4.  Live deliberately. Live fearlessly. Live lovingly.
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By Dr.Himanshu Dubey

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